The Advice Monster Is Running Wild — Here's How to Stop It

Kristen Ann
May 26
6 min read

There's a moment most managers recognize the second they hear it described.

Someone comes to you with a problem. Before they've finished their second sentence, you already have a solution forming. By the time they land at the end of their thought, you're ready. You lean in. You start talking.

And just like that, you've taken over.

Michael Bungay Stanier calls what just happened a visit from your Advice Monster — the deeply ingrained habit of jumping straight to advice, answers, and solutions the moment someone brings you a problem. It's not a character flaw. It's what most of us were trained to do. If you rose through the ranks by being the person with answers, your Advice Monster is well-fed and very fast.

The trouble is, it's costing you more than you realize.

The Book Behind the Framework

MBS (as he's known) wrote two books that belong together: The Coaching Habit and The Advice Trap. The first gives you seven questions that can transform how you lead conversations. The second goes deeper — it asks why we're so addicted to advice in the first place, and what it actually takes to change.

Together, they make one of the most practical arguments I've encountered for what it means to lead like a coach.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gVTwb3ebAI

Watch: How to Tame Your Advice Monster — MBS TED Talk

This TED talk is a great place to start. It's honest, a little funny, and gets right to the point.

The Three Faces of the Advice Monster

Before you can manage the habit, you need to know how it shows up for you. MBS identifies three distinct versions of the Advice Monster, and most people have a dominant one.

Tell-It is the most obvious. This is the version that offers solutions immediately — even when no one asked. Tell-It believes that the fastest way to help is to share what you know, and it has a hard time staying quiet while someone else figures something out.

Save-It is subtler. Save-It steps in to rescue people from discomfort or struggle. It means well — it genuinely doesn't want people to feel stuck or to fail. But the rescue instinct removes the very friction that would help someone grow. When Save-It runs the show, people stop bringing their real problems because they've learned those problems will just be solved for them.

Control-It is about ownership. This version of the Advice Monster needs to be the one with the answer, the one who shaped the direction, the one whose thinking is reflected in the outcome. It can masquerade as high standards or subject-matter expertise. But underneath, it's about staying in control of how things go.

Most of us have all three to some degree. Knowing your primary pattern is the first step.

The Coaching Habit: Seven Questions That Change Everything

If the Advice Trap names the problem, The Coaching Habit gives you the practical tools. MBS offers seven questions that slow the advice reflex down and create space for the other person to actually think.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tdcJq4XBXM

These are not therapy questions. They're not soft or meandering. They're efficient, direct, and — when used well — genuinely powerful.

1. "What's on your mind?" The Kickstart Question. It opens the conversation without boxing it in. It lets the person set the agenda rather than assuming you already know what needs to be discussed.

2. "And what else?" The AWE Question. This is the one MBS says has the most impact per word of any question he's encountered. When someone answers your first question, "and what else?" invites them to go deeper. The first answer is rarely the most important one.

3. "What's the real challenge here for you?" The Focus Question. It helps move from venting or describing the situation to identifying what actually matters. The "for you" at the end is doing a lot of work — it makes it personal and specific rather than abstract.

4. "What do you want?" The Foundation Question. Deceptively simple and often disorienting. Many people haven't actually named what they want from a conversation. This question surfaces it.

5. "How can I help?" The Lazy Question. MBS uses "lazy" in the best possible sense. Instead of assuming you know what kind of support someone needs — advice? a sounding board? a decision? — you ask. It keeps you from jumping to problem-solving when someone just needed to be heard.

6. "If you're saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?" The Strategic Question. This is particularly useful with leaders who are chronically overcommitted. Every yes has a cost. This question makes that cost visible.

7. "What was most useful for you?" The Learning Question. This is how you close a conversation in a way that builds self-awareness and accountability. It puts the learning in the other person's hands rather than summarizing for them.

Why This Matters More Than It Sounds

Here's what I've observed: leaders who shift to asking more and advising less don't just have better conversations. They build teams that think more independently, bring better problems to the surface, and require less management over time.

When you consistently give answers, you train your team to wait for them. When you consistently ask good questions, you train your team to develop their own. That's not just more efficient — it's what real development looks like.

"Be curious a little longer. Rush to action and advice-giving a little more slowly."

That's the whole shift, distilled.

Free Resources from MBS

One of the things I genuinely appreciate about Michael Bungay Stanier is how much he gives away. If you want to go deeper, these are worth bookmarking:

Both pages include downloadable tools, reading guides, and additional materials to support the work.

Actions to Try

Notice before you advise. For the next week, before you offer a solution in any conversation, pause and ask yourself: does this person actually need my advice right now, or are they still figuring out what they need? Just the pause changes the dynamic.

Try "What's on your mind?" as your opening. Replace your usual opener in 1:1 meetings with this question and see what surfaces. You'll likely get something more honest and more useful than the agenda you would have set yourself.

Use "And what else?" more than once. In your next problem-solving conversation, ask it at least twice. Notice how the depth of the conversation changes.

Identify your dominant Advice Monster. Is it Tell-It, Save-It, or Control-It? Once you name it, you'll start to catch it mid-action — which is the only way to change the pattern.

Close with "What was most useful?" Try ending your next coaching conversation or 1:1 with this question instead of your own summary. See what the other person says. It may surprise you.

Offering This Reflection

Use these on your own or as part of a leadership development conversation.

When someone brings you a problem, what is your first instinct? To advise, to fix, or to ask?
Which face of the Advice Monster do you recognize most in yourself? What triggers it?
Think of a time someone gave you space to figure something out rather than solving it for you. What did that make possible?
Which of the seven questions would feel most uncomfortable for you to use? What does that tell you?
What would change on your team if you gave advice 30% less and asked questions 30% more?
Where are you being someone's Save-It right now — and what might you need to let them struggle through instead?

The Bigger Shift

There's a version of leadership that looks like being needed — being the smartest person in the room, having the answer, making the call. And there's another version that looks like developing people who don't need you for every answer.

The second version requires taming the Advice Monster. It's harder to practice, because the urge to jump in and help is usually well-intentioned. But the leaders who get this right build something that lasts beyond them — teams that think, decide, and grow without waiting for permission.

That's what coaching-centered leadership actually looks like in practice.