Feedback and Difficult Conversations
- Kristen Ann
- 1 day ago
- 3 min read
Most people avoid feedback and hard conversations for the same reason. They don't have a structure to fall back on once the moment gets uncomfortable. A framework doesn't make the conversation easy. It gives you somewhere to stand while you have it.
Here are the models I come back to most, plus the process I use when a conversation needs to go beyond feedback into real conflict.
Feedback models
Different situations call for different structures. Some are built for a quick, in-the-moment comment. Others are built for a formal review. Match the model to the moment.
Sandwich Start with a piece of positive feedback to affirm the good. Deliver the constructive feedback. Finish with the good.
SBI — Situation, Behavior, Impact Describe the situation, the behavior, and the impact. Be specific. Often used for positive feedback.
STAR — Situation, Task, Action, Result Situation: describe the context. Task: zoom in on specifics. Action: explain the behavior, not the character. Result: what the outcome was and its effect on others.
"Make feedback normal. Not a performance review." — Ed Batista
360 Collect information from peers, direct reports, and manager, plus a self survey. Review it with a Start, Stop, Keep exercise, then build a development plan.
EEC — Example, Effect, Change or Continue Start with an example of the behavior or action. Explain the effect it had. Then either change it or continue it, depending on whether the feedback is positive or negative.
DESC — Describe, Express, Specify, Consequences Describe the situation. Express the impact. Specify the changed behavior with specific actions. Explain the consequences, how the actions will affect the team or organization.
"Withholding feedback is choosing comfort over growth." — Adam Grant
Pendleton Ask what went well. Tell what went well. Ask what could improve. Tell what could improve. Form an action plan.
IDEA — Identify, Describe, Encourage, Action Identify what happened. Describe the situation and behavior, the what and the why. Encourage: give hope and confidence. Action: a clear next step to move forward.
BOOST — Balanced, Objective, Observed, Specific, Timely Balanced: positive and improvement together. Objective: focused on behavior and actions. Observed: witnessed firsthand. Specific: clear and concise. Timely: continuous, not saved up.
"We all need people who will give us feedback. That's how we improve." — Bill Gates
Respectful conflict resolution
Feedback is usually about one moment. Conflict is usually about a pattern, and it needs a different process. This is the one I use when a conversation is going to be hard no matter how it's framed.
1. I am for you. Create safety and respect. Soft start up. Affirm the good or acknowledge a win before you get into it.
2. State the issue. Be specific. Focus on the behavior or attitude, not the person's character.
3. Own your contribution. Level the playing field. Apologize for your part. It's rare that an issue is 100 percent the other person.
4. Fully listen. Listen for the information underneath what's being said. No defending, no explaining. Give it five minutes, then redirect back to the issue.
5. Request change. Be specific about what needs to change. If it repeats, natural consequences may be needed.
6. Back to "I am for you." Acknowledge the tough conversation and the person's contributions, with genuine respect and a little vulnerability.
7. Check in. Within a day or so, circle back to reinforce safety and support.
Which one to use
For a single behavior in the moment, SBI or STAR. For a formal review, Pendleton or IDEA.
For something that's shown up more than once, BOOST or DESC to name the pattern.
And when it's not feedback anymore, when it's a real rupture, use the conflict resolution process. It's built to hold the honesty and the relationship at the same time.
Where might one more model, or one more step you're currently skipping, change how a hard conversation with someone on your team goes this week?
If you’re ready for that next step, I’d love to hear your story. Schedule your complimentary Discovery Call.
Comments