Red Flags to Watch for When Dating (and the Green Flags to Celebrate)

Dating can be both thrilling and exhausting — full of possibility but also uncertainty. One of the biggest challenges is learning to spot the signs that someone might not be a good fit for a healthy, long-term relationship. In Matthew Hussey’s book Love Life, he offers a powerful list of red flags that every dater should keep in mind. Here are some of the most important red flags to watch for:

🚩 They avoid communication or transparency. If they’re secretive, unwilling to share, or dodge important conversations, it may indicate a lack of emotional maturity.

🚩 They make you feel small or unworthy. Pay attention to criticism, sarcasm, or a pattern of undermining your self-esteem.

🚩 They’re hot and cold. One minute they’re all in, the next they’re distant. This emotional inconsistency is exhausting and often manipulative.

🚩 They lack empathy or compassion. They’re dismissive of your feelings, or they struggle to see things from your perspective.

🚩 They show disrespect. This can show up as dismissing boundaries, ignoring your needs, or belittling you — especially during conflict.

🚩 They’re not emotionally available. They can’t or won’t express their emotions, or they shut down when things get real.

🚩 They don’t support your growth. They might discourage your goals, belittle your ambitions, or refuse to celebrate your wins.

Red flags aren’t always obvious at first — sometimes they’re subtle and come out only after trust is built. The key is to stay curious and honest with yourself: Does this person bring out the best in me, or am I constantly doubting my worth?

While it’s crucial to watch for red flags, it’s equally important to recognize the qualities that set the stage for a loving, lasting relationship. Relationship coach Logan Ury highlights the green flags to cherish:

💚 Emotional Availability. They understand and express their own feelings and are comfortable with vulnerability. They give as much as they receive.

💚 Respect. They treat you (and others) with kindness and respect, even when it’s difficult — especially during conflict. Screaming and shouting are unacceptable.

💚 Empathy and Compassion. They can see and feel things from your perspective. They accept you as a beautifully imperfect human being.

💚 Partnership. They’re willing to share the mental and emotional labor of life — the planning, the hard conversations, the daily ups and downs.

💚 Showing Up. They’re reliable, even in tough times. They’re there for you when you need them most — not just when it’s convenient.

💚 Affection. They express love consistently, through both words and actions.

💚 Loyalty. They’re there for friends, family, and you — rain or shine.

💚 Kindness. They treat everyone, from waiters to family, with decency and respect.

💚 Emotional Stability. They handle stress with grace and can regulate their emotions.

💚 Growth Mindset. They see challenges as opportunities to learn and grow.

Inviting you to reflect on these questions after a date to gain clarity, tune into your own intuition, and intentionally decide how to move forward:

1. Red Flags Check-In

   • What subtle or obvious red flags did I notice?

   • Did I feel dismissed, unheard, or uneasy in any moment?

   • Do I see signs of inconsistency or a lack of follow-through?

2. Green Flags Momentum

   • What signs of emotional availability, respect, or empathy did I experience?

   • What small gestures made me feel safe, seen, or connected?

3. Next Steps

   • Considering these insights, what do I want to do next?

   • What would I like to invite more of—or less of—in the next conversation or date?

Dating is a journey of self-discovery and connection. By learning to spot red flags and celebrate green flags, you give yourself the chance to build a relationship rooted in trust, growth, and mutual respect — one that can thrive through the inevitable changes life brings.

Ready to navigate relationships with confidence and curiosity? Let’s get started!