“Why Don’t We Run Our Relationships Like Our Teams? How a Weekly 'State of the Union' Meeting Can Strengthen Your Partnership

“The success of a relationship depends not only on how couples handle conflict, but how they proactively invest in connection.” – Dr. John Gottman

As leaders, we pride ourselves on clear communication, strategic meetings, collaborative decision-making, and a focus on continuous improvement. We know how to run project kickoffs, weekly standups, retrospectives, and feedback sessions with structure and intention. But when it comes to our most intimate relationships—our partnership at home—many of us leave those skills at the door.

Why?

Because we’ve been conditioned to think love should be effortless. That communication should “just flow.” That if it’s the right relationship, we shouldn’t need tools.

But the truth is: love is a choice, and connection is a practice. One that can be strengthened with intention, rituals, and yes—meetings.

Enter: The Gottman “State of the Union” Meeting

Developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, the weekly State of the Union meeting is a structured check-in for couples to build emotional intimacy, address tensions before they escalate, and reinforce what’s going well. It’s not about performance reviews or blame—it’s about teamwork in the most sacred team you’ll ever be on.

And just like in your leadership role, the goal is to stay aligned, resilient, and forward-focused.

Why Don’t We Do This at Home?

At work, we wouldn’t dream of skipping a quarterly business review or delaying a team sync for six months. Yet at home, we often assume our partner “just knows how we’re feeling” or wait until something explodes to talk about what’s wrong.

The result? Emotional distance. Resentment. Misaligned expectations.

But when we take the same principles we use at the office—clarity, consistency, compassion—and apply them at home, we can cultivate safety, trust, and deeper connection.

Format of a Weekly Relationship Meeting

Here’s a simple outline inspired by the Gottmans’ framework, paired with leadership tools you already know.

When & Where:

• 30–45 minutes weekly, uninterrupted

• Phones away, eye contact on

• Choose a time when you're both relatively calm (e.g., Sunday afternoon, Monday night)

1. Appreciations & Wins (5–10 minutes)

Start with what’s working.

Prompt:

• “Something I appreciated about you this week was…”

• “One thing that made me feel seen or loved was…”

Leadership parallel: Strengths-based feedback and employee recognition.

2. Stress Check-In (5 minutes)

Share external stressors without judgment or problem-solving—just to understand each other's emotional load.

Prompt:

• “What’s been weighing on you outside our relationship?”

Leadership parallel: Psychological safety and emotional intelligence on teams.

3. Discuss Concerns or Tensions (10–15 minutes)

Gently bring up any unresolved conflict using soft start-ups (not blame).

Prompt:

• “Something I’ve been needing lately is…”

• “Can we talk about what happened when…?”

Use active listening, mirroring, and shared problem-solving.

Leadership parallel: Conflict navigation and structured feedback conversations.

4. Connection Planning (10 minutes)

Plan intentional connection for the week ahead: date night, logistics, alone time, help needed.

Prompt:

• “What would help you feel more connected this week?”

• “What does your schedule look like and how can I support you?”

Leadership parallel: Calendar alignment, check-in rhythms.

5. Reflection & Growth (Optional)

Reflect on the health of the relationship.

Prompt:

• “On a scale of 1–10, how connected did you feel this week?”

• “Is there one thing I could do differently next week to love you better?”

Leadership parallel: Retrospectives and continuous improvement.

Suggested Reflections

You can each answer these questions individually or together:

• Where in our relationship do we feel most like a team?

• When have we overcome a hard moment with grace?

• How do we show up differently in work meetings vs. relationship conversations?

• What’s one value we want to keep alive in our partnership?

Resources to Explore

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work – John Gottman

• Eight Dates – John & Julie Gottman

• Fair Play – Eve Rodsky

• Hold Me Tight – Dr. Sue Johnson

• Gottman Card Decks App (free, full of conversation starters and conflict repair tools)

Leading with Love

If you want to lead at work with presence, power, and emotional intelligence—start at home.

Running a State of the Union with your partner each week won’t just make your relationship stronger—it will make you a better listener, communicator, and human being. And in a world that often rewards hustle and output, choosing to pause and connect with the person beside you might be the bravest leadership move of all.

Bonus Practice: The Monthly Financial Date

If the weekly State of the Union is about emotional connection, the monthly Financial Date is about shared direction.

Money is one of the top sources of conflict in relationships—not because we talk about it too much, but because we often avoid it altogether. The Financial Date helps couples normalize financial transparency and align on goals with curiosity, not criticism.

What’s a Financial Date?

It’s a once-a-month meeting (glass of wine optional!) to talk all things money:

• Budget check-in: Where did our money go last month?

• Upcoming expenses: What’s on the horizon?

• Savings & investments: Are we building toward what matters?

• Debt: What progress did we make? What’s our strategy?

• Financial dreams: What are we excited about funding?

Prompts to Get You Started:

• “What’s one small win we had financially this month?”

• “What would financial peace look like for us?”

• “Where do we feel out of sync with money, and how can we get back on the same page?”

Coach tip: End the conversation by planning something fun to celebrate progress — even if it’s just a coffee out or a walk together.

Why It Works:

Just like with team check-ins, consistency creates safety. When money becomes a shared topic—not a source of secrecy or shame—it strengthens the partnership. You move from “yours and mine” to ours.

Looking for more support with navigating relationships ... Let’s connect!