Assertiveness: The Strength We Often Misunderstand

Assertiveness often gets a bad rap.

It’s commonly misinterpreted as being pushy, aggressive, or domineering. But in reality, true assertiveness is one of the most respectful, emotionally intelligent forms of self-expression. At its core, assertiveness means we honor our own needs, values and boundaries—without diminishing or overpowering others in the process.

What Is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness is the ability to communicate your thoughts, feelings and beliefs in a direct, honest, and respectful way. It’s about showing up, speaking up and standing up—for yourself and what you believe—without being hurtful or dismissive. In the language of emotional intelligence, assertiveness lives within the Self-Expression domain. It’s an expression of inner clarity and confidence, balanced with empathy, impulse control, and flexibility.

But like any strength, assertiveness has a shadow side when it’s under or over-used:

• Too little and we appear passive, disconnected or unclear. Others may speak over us, or we may be perceived as disengaged or indecisive.

• Too much and we risk being seen as aggressive, controlling or lacking compassion.

The sweet spot? The assertive middle ground—where we communicate our truth with courage, compassion and clarity.

Why Assertiveness Matters for Leaders

In a world where offense is taken as quickly as it’s given, assertiveness can feel risky. But leadership requires it.

Leaders who lack assertiveness may struggle to make decisions, communicate boundaries, or give honest feedback. They may avoid difficult conversations out of fear of rocking the boat. On the other hand, leaders who master assertiveness create cultures where clarity and trust thrive. They know that it’s possible to disagree without being disagreeable. They are direct without being harsh. They stand firm without becoming rigid.

They speak up not to dominate—but to define.

Reflect

Take a moment to journal around:

• In recent interactions, have you leaned more toward passivity or healthy assertiveness? What was the outcome?

• When others are overly assertive, how do you respond? Do you shrink, challenge, disengage?

• Think of someone in your life who’s quieter or more passive. How might you invite their voice into the conversation more fully?

Take Action

Here are a few practices to begin building or reclaiming this emotional intelligence skill:

1. Identify your boundaries. Start small. Choose one area of your life where you often say “yes” but really mean “no.” Practice naming your limit.

2. Speak with both strength and softness. Use “I” statements to share your needs: “I feel concerned when…” or “I need more clarity around…”

3. Position yourself confidently. When in group discussions, choose a seat or space where you feel physically present—not hidden in the margins.

4. Practice disagreeing with respect. Use phrases like “I hear you, and I see it differently…” or “That’s one perspective. Here’s another…”

5. Balance with empathy. Assertiveness is clearest when it’s accompanied by the ability to attune to others. Listen actively even as you share boldly.

Assertiveness isn’t about being the loudest voice in the room. It’s about having the courage to use your voice, especially when it matters most.

“We can say what we need to say. We can gently, but assertively, speak our mind. We do not need to be judgmental, tactless, blaming, or cruel when we speak our truths.” Melody Beattie

Coaching Tip: Practice using sentence stems such as “What I need right now is…” or “I’d like to revisit something that felt unresolved…”

And if you’d like support strengthening your voice and presence—whether in leadership or your personal relationships—I’d love to work with you.